him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
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Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo