Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
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I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*