Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
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Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Has there ever been a more American story?
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.