Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
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I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.