Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
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(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Meeeee too!
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
TRAIN’S HERE
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I’d hang this in my house.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.