Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
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I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.