We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.