Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
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I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
mathematically impossible
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
meanwhile over on facebook
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.