*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
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I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”