*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
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Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump