*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
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WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?