I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
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A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.