I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
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“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
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What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.