kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
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[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.