A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
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Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Just why bro?!
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.