A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
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me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Best seat on the street 😍
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Always a housemaid, never a house.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”