My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
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You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Why is this me 😫
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
goldfish mafia
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
i spent way too long on this