nature’s most graceful animal
You Might Also Like
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.