nature’s most graceful animal
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This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*