me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
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do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.