@eleniZarro

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

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@DebraTheWigLady

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

@Dil_Tron

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

@thenoahkinsey

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

@KateWhineHall

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

@abhorrent_wife

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

@mommajessiec

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

@Beer_Blonde_

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.