I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
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Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.