Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
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I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
181.
i will avenge u mr van gogh