“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
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“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]