When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
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Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*