If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
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[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
bad news gang
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!