[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
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A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Got ya covered
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”