Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
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inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
December birthdays be like…
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.