At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
You Might Also Like
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
me when I see my crush
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.