My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
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[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Pass gas, not judgment.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.