Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
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Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work