What a kind woman! 😂😂
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Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
getting old is fun
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!