That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
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Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.