You Might Also Like
Autocarrot sucks!
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Education is vital
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?