I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
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Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Bros before Ohioes
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
They also CAN sing✌️
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.