Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
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The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.