[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
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Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me