Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
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I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
🤣🤣🤣
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.