馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn鈥檛 do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can鈥檛 do his maths homework
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It鈥檚 not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I鈥檒l show myself out*
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren鈥檛 nearly as fortunate.
I鈥檓 done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I鈥檓 voting for in the election
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
DATE: {seductively} What鈥檚 your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I鈥檓 on a date, mom she鈥檚 the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I鈥檓 at the age I don鈥檛 remember it鈥檚 my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I鈥檓 at the age I don鈥檛 remember anything.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn鈥檛 even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.