… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
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Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
That’s incredible! 👌
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’