Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
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My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
What the hell is going on?
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
This is me
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.