Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
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Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult