*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
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[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.