My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
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Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
❤️❤️❤️
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Awesome parenting 😂
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.