Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
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[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious