I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
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Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.