He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
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What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it