Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
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The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.