Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
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Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
“you recording!?”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
courtroom exchange of the day
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house