I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
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Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
welcome back
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.