Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
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Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense