‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
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That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Potatoes were such a good idea
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
They also CAN sing✌️
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments