Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
You Might Also Like
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.