I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
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Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.