My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
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My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.